Courage Under Fire
by Forensic Photographer711
Summary: He knows that he isn't a coward. He didn't run away when he was drafted. He survived Vietnam. He's still... somewhat intact. But if that's the case, then where are these thoughts coming from? Why the sudden second guessing? Max centric oneshot


Courage Under Fire

Sitting silently on the sidelines, Max watches is unmeaning apathy as Jude spins his sister around in dizzying circles, eliciting her high pitched excited laughter, his bright beaming smile, the pair no longer separated by an ocean, rooftops, or their beliefs.

He's honestly glad they're back to shacking up again; Jude and Lucy were made for each other it would seem. But he can't help but be a bit jealous, and he wants to be sick at the emotion, but finds he doesn't have the strength to reign in his own stupid thoughts anymore.

_Well, everything below the neck works fine. _

It doesn't seem fair that just as Max gets his best friend back he's taken away by his girl or that his sister is no longer completely preoccupied with taking care of her scarred brother, wanting to focus on soft English lips instead. Selfishness has never been something Max has ever experienced much in life, having everything handed to him on a silver platter up to a point. But he figures since he has just finished sacrificing himself for a country that would give nothing in return, he's entitled to a little greed.

Anything to distract the broken record of his mind from reliving everything no one should ever face, but so many have.

He sometimes wonders if ending his own life would end the pain - another selfish thought - but he has a feeling it would still follow, an eternal brand upon his sad soul. A broken caricature of a tattoo representing his past, present and future life.

Of course, he would never take that drastic measure, whether he was feeling especially self-absorbed or not. And even if it would get him the attention he was so craving, like a little puppy without a home or a whore down on her luck, he would be _dead_ and in no way capable of appreciating what he was surely to miss out upon.

And then there is that chance that maybe no one would miss him.

If he rid the world of something it didn't want, it would be a win, win situation right?

For some reason these macabre thoughts don't disturb him, the rambling psychological double talk. He has other things to disturb him now, that always lay in the back of his mind.

_Helter Skelter _

It just isn't an option. Especially after all the lives he's taken Max doesn't want to add his own to the list, and if there is anything he's still sure of, he isn't a coward.

He hadn't run away from his fate, had even welcomed it in a stupid way. Too stubborn to ignore it or learn French. Oh God, how naïve he had been. It only felt like yesterday, when all his troubles had been so far away and he was still on top of the world; an aimless unmotivated college drop out whose only goal was to enjoy life as much as he could in anyway he could. Back when he was completely confident he would be shipped off to Germany and learn how to kick box, or if the worst should happen, he would come back _alive_. He wouldn't be just a number.

There had still been that tiny speck of insecurity looming in his mind, and he would have been a bigger fool not to have trepidations, but to ignore them had been perhaps the least courageous thing of all.

So maybe he is a coward, not being able to face his fears, just pushing them aside and embracing his own demise willingly.

After all they say suicide is painless, and confronting what scares you is the definition of courage.

He's always been afraid of dying.

_Happiness is a warm gun. _

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A/N: Just something I was inspired to write after viewing this wonderful movie. I was really struck by Max's character, and I hope my romp through his brain wasn't too thoroughly confusing. I just felt that his thoughts would be eratic and jumpy, he would take weird illogical turns that make sense if you really think about it. Nam just screwed with the brain, I think that's enough explanation.

So I hope this was enjoyed and thanks for reading. I really would like to know what you guys think because I like this, it would be nice to know if others feel the same.

Disclaimer: No ownage of Across the Universe here, just writing to fill up my time not my pocket.


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